Un sabato un po’ così. Passato quasi interamente a tentare (più o meno inutilmente) di tenere calmo il piccolo Samuel, alle prese con quello che e’ un po’ l’incubo di tutti coloro che si ritrovano con un neonato tra le mani, ovvero una “bella” crisi di coliche.
Prendo comunque spunto dall’evento in questione per condividere con voi alcune righe tratte dal volume di Heidi E. Murkoff che in questi giorni mi sta accompagnando fedelmente, aiutandomi a far luce sui mille dubbi e preoccupazioni di ogni neo-genitore che si rispetti: What to Expect: the est year. L’argomento, come avrete intuito, sono le succitate coliche.
Surviving colic
‘This is our first baby and she cries all the time. What are we doing wrong?’
Relax. You’re not guilty. The theory that a baby’s colic is somehow the fault of parents just hasn’t held up. And, in fact, your baby would probably be doing just as much crying if you were doing everything right (which, of course, no human parent does, even with the benefit of experience). Colic, the latest research indicates, has to do with baby’s development and not yours.
The ‘rightest’ thing you can do is to try to cope with your baby’s crying as calmly and rationally as possible, since your tenseness will only compound your baby’s. Keeping your cool in the face of colicky fire isn’t easy, but knowing that you’re not at fault can help. So can the tips you’ll find in the next answer.
‘Sometimes when I’m rocking the baby through his third hour of colic, and he won’t stop screaming, I have this terrible urge to throw him out the window. Of course I don’t – but what kind of parent am I to even think such a thing?’
You’re a perfectly normal one. Even those otherwise qualified for saint-hood couldn’t survive the agony and frustration of living with a baby who won’t stop crying without experiencing some feelings of anger – even fleeting animosity – towards him. And though few would admit it freely, many parents of chronic criers regularly have to fight off the same kinds of horrifying impulses you’ve been feeling. (If you find such feelings are more than momentary, and/or if you’re afraid that you might really hurt your baby, get help immediately.)
There’s no question that parents get the worst of colic. Though it can safely be said that the crying doesn’t seem to hurt baby, it certainly does leave its mark on mum and dad. Listening to a crying baby is irritating and anxiety-provoking. Objective studies show that everyone, even a child, responds to the constant crying of a young infant with a rise in blood pressure, a speeding up of the heartbeat, and changes in blood flow to the skin. If the baby was born prematurely, was poorly nourished in the uterus or if the mother had toxaemia (preeclampsia/eclampsia), the pitch of his cry may be unusually high and particularly hard to tolerate.
In order to survive the two or three months of colicky behaviour with some semblance of sanity, try the following:
Take a break. If you’re the one who’s been left holding the crying baby seven nights a week at colic time, the strain is going to take its toll not only on your parenting but on your health and your relationship with yours spouse as well. So if there are two parents at home, make sure colic duty is divided up equally between the two of you (an hour on, an hour off, a night on, a night off; or whatever arrangement you find works best). A fresh set of arms (and a different rocking rhytm) sometimes even induces calm in a crying baby, which make swtiching off frequently your best bet.
Then, make sure that you both take a break together occasionally – preferrably at least once a week. Rely on paid help (but make sure you hire someone who is endlessly patient and experienced with crying babies) or impose on relatives or friends (but not relative or friends who drop direct or indirect hints that the crying is your fault – it isn’t). Go out to dinner (Even if you’re breastgeeding, you should be able to squeeze in a restful meal at a local restaurant), visit with friends, go to the gym, get a couple’s massage or just take a long, quiet walk.
IF you’re the only parent in the house (either all or some of the time), you’ll need to call on help even more often; coping with a crying infant for hours a day every day is more than anyone can handle alone. Again, look to a baby-sitter if you can afford one, a willing relative or friend (grandparents sometimes have a magical touch with fussy babies; fiends who’ve been there and done that with their own children can offer perspective and experience). Even a young teenager whom you wouldn’t consider leaving alone with your colicky infant can hold him or push him in the pushchair while you take a break nearby.
Dive baby a break. Sure, it’s important to respond to baby’s crying, which is an infant’s sole form of communication. But once you’ve met all his needs (feeding, burping, changing, comforting, and so on) without perceptly altering his level of screaming, you can give him a break from you – by putting him down in his cot or cradle (on his back) for a little while. It won’t hurt him to cry in his bed instead of your arms for ten or fifteen minutes while you do something relatively relxing, such as lying down; checking e-mail; doing some yoga, visualization or meditation; watching television; or reading a few pages of a book (see Tune Out, below). In fact, it will do him good if you’re a little less ragged and little more refreshed when you pick him up again where you left off.
Tune out. To lessen the impact of your baby’s wails, use earplugs – they won’t block out the sound entirely, just dull it so it will be more tolerable. Tucked in your ears, they can help you relax during a break from baby or even while you’re walking the floor with him. Or drown out the racket by listening to music on a portable CD player.
Get physical. Exercise is a great way to work off tension, something you’ve got plenty of. Work out at home with baby early in the day, swim or exercise at a health club (wallop a punching bag if they have one) that has a child-care services or take the baby for a brisk walk outdoors in his pram when he’s fussy (which may help calm him while it calms you).
Talk about it. Do a little crying yourself – on any willing shoulder: your spouse’s, your doctor’s, a family member’s, a friend’s, even a stranger in a parenting chat room. Talking about it may not cure the colic, but you may feel a little better after sharing your saga. Most beneficial may be discussing your situation with other parents of colicky babies, particularly those who have weathered the storm successfully and are now sailing on clear waters; you may find some who are – or have been – in the same boat as you in parenting chat rooms. Just knowing you’re not alone in the world of inconsolable babies can make a world of difference.
If you really feel violent, get help. Almost everyone is irritated by a constantly crying baby. But, for some people, such crying finally becomes more than they can bear. The result is sometimes child abuse. You may be even more likely to cross that line if you’re suffering from untreated (and possibly undiagnosed) postnatal depression. If your thoughts of hurting your baby are more than fleeting, if you feel about to give in to the urge to strike or shake your baby or harm him in any way, get help immediately. Go to a neighbour’s, if you can, and hand the baby over until you can collect yourself. Then call someone who can help you – your spouse, a relative, a close friend, the baby’s doctor or your own or a helpline such as that run by Serene (formerly known as Cry-sis), which provides emotional support and practical advice to parents dealing with excessive crying (020 7404 5011). Even if your powerful feelings don’t lead to child abuse, they can start eroding your relationship with your baby and your confidence in yourself as a parent unless you get counselling (and if you’re suffering from postnatal depression or psychosis, appropriate treatment) quickly.
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